Pegasus Memories
by AndromedaMarine
Summary: Pegasus is a place where the memories just won't go away... A place where the memories shape Atlantis. A series of ONESHOTS, involving several ships, spanning several seasons, in no particular order. 3/10?
1. The Way it's Meant to Be

**Pegasus Memories by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: Series of ONESHOTS, involving several ships, spanning several seasons, in no particular order. **

_The Way it's Meant to Be: John & Elizabeth_

He'll never believe she was meant to die. Chalk it up to fate, he wants to believe. But then again, there's no proof. And the hope still swims beneath the surface of those gorgeous hazel eyes he looks through, down at the hands that used to hold her close, but...but there's no certainty. And the doubt is eating at his mind.

John spends his time forgetting, or trying to forget, while on the missions, and it's up to Rodney to keep him sane. The bruising of sparring with Ronon and Teyla only takes his mind off the inevitable for a few moments, if that. It's affecting his performance in the field, he can tell. The tears come every single night. He's suffered a massive blow that's left him permanently winded. He's lost Elizabeth.

But John is one who cannot forget. He's one who clings to the memories.

And there is a whole list of things John doesn't _want _to forget, even if he could.

...her soft lips, and the way he imagines they'll feel if he ever kisses her.

...her deep, gorgeous eyes, showing so much more than it seemed they should.

...her intoxicating scent, the one that made him have to really think about the process of breathing.

...her commanding, powerful, yet gentle and calm voice that was in charge of Atlantis.

...the way she laughed when he gave her that crooked smile and ruffled his hair.

No. It can't be this way. There has to be something they're overlooking; a planet they haven't searched yet – there _must_ be the possibility that the Replicators haven't destroyed her. And then he realizes everything that's been hidden behind the hazy shroud of professionalism. He needs her.

It's the memories he's holding onto; the memories that make him so sure this is not the way it's meant to be.

The images assault the virtual reality of his dreamscape as soon as his mind makes that transfer into sleep, and it's terrorizing. Every night he has to watch over and over again...he watches her suffer at Oberoth's hand, literally. Keller will give him the sleep meds, but they rarely help him forget.

No...nothing will help him forget. He figured that one out just a few weeks following their relocation to Atlantis' new home – just weeks after losing Dr. Elizabeth Weir on Asuras.

This is not the way it's meant to be.

He cannot accept it.

But then...then again, new beginnings come from the old ends.

So he will pull on and tie his combat boots, tighten the straps on his Kevlar, fasten the P-90 to his vest, and check his pockets for extra clips of ammo. Because he cannot forget the expression of pain that crosses her features every time his eyes close, he will keep trying.

He will find her.

It's the memories that keep him going. Both the good, and the bad.

Having her in his arms...having her against his chest, in a crushing embrace... That's the way it's meant to be.


	2. The Spoken Words

**Pegasus Memories by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: Tag to "Brain Storm." There's a reference to the movie **_**Ghost**_** with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. **

_The Spoken Words: Rodney & Jennifer_

Thank God for the solitude of freezing utility hallways lacking security cameras and electricity. If she were anyone else with any other job she'd never have thought that, yet Jennifer Keller _did_ work as CMO on Atlantis, and had eyes only for the formerly pompous doctor of sciences. So she couldn't believe their luck in not having Malcolm Tunney overhear her and Rodney's rather personal conversation. She could probably thank God for the whole incident, but didn't want to go that far. One guy still could die from the infamous 'freeze lightning.' For good measure, she reminded herself that Rodney had coined the term.

The freezing utility hallway happened almost two months ago. She has lunch and dinner with Rodney every day he can pull himself away from the lab, still debating with herself whether she should show her man the video log of day six. But will it scare him off? She isn't sure. Jennifer has made it a habit to tell Rodney she loves him every time he walks her back to her quarters when the hum of the city dulls with the growing darkness, and he can't seem to stop imitating Patrick Swayze with his response. Ditto.

So after the doors swish shut she's forced to power up that laptop and play day six over and over again. It's the spoken words that count. She knows that, and she wants to hear him say it when he'll remember it; she doesn't want a five letter word.

Jennifer lets her head hit the pillow with unnecessary force, but she cannot fall asleep. She imagines Rodney sleeping next to her, holding her against his chest...but when morning comes she's wasted her six hours meant for rest on the fantasy of sharing a bed with McKay.

Her mood is dour as she shirks breakfast and heads straight for her office, deciding to finally tackle the stack of medical reports from SGA-1's last few missions. She barely gets through the glass door at the back of the infirmary when she senses Rodney in the room behind her.

"Good morning," he announces cheerfully (his change in personality effected by Jennifer and a mystery to the Czech down the hall), his hands thrust into his pockets. "Sleep well?"

Jennifer turns to look at him, and she can't help but smile. "No, actually. I couldn't fall asleep."

"Oh." Rodney's grin falls a tiny bit. "You should've banged on my door. I have stories from college that'd put you to sleep like that." He snaps his fingers for effect.

She reaches out and grips the top of his arm, thinking to herself that the time has come for him to see the logs. "Rodney, I think you should see something."

He lifts his eyebrow up, wondering what could be in store for his immediate future with Jennifer. "Okay."

She leads him into her office and a few moments later the video is streaming. Jennifer can feel his body tense up beneath her hand, as he watches himself on the screen. When the scene ends she turns off the monitor, and looks up at Rodney. He's frozen stiff, almost as if paralyzed. He knows he shouldn't be.

"That was a few weeks before Tunney's catastrophe," he manages to say, trying hard not to avoid the love of his life's gaze.

"Yeah, it was," Jennifer concurs, still wondering why he hasn't said anything else or started to ramble. "But you haven't said it since." He opens his mouth to disagree, but she knows what he will say. "'Ditto' isn't the same."

Rodney relaxes and lifts his hand, resting it on her neck. "I never really thought of that," he says honestly, the truth of it showing in the eyes she loves so much. "Is this why you say it to me every day?"

She nods, suddenly embarrassed. Coercion has never been in her arsenal. "I love you, Rodney, you know that. And I know you love me...but I only hear it when I watch the video logs." Her eyes wander around the room, her hand still clenching his forearm.

"I don't want you to think I'm afraid of saying it, Jennifer." He gives her a quick kiss, and pulls her into a hug. "And for the record, I love you so much, I convinced Woolsey to let us go back to Earth for two weeks in about three months."

She looks at him, confused. "We already had our mandatory vacation."

He grins again, the stuttering to get his point across long gone when it comes to Jennifer. "How does Paris sound for tying the knot?"

Jennifer gapes at him, but her silence doesn't deter McKay.

"I've already booked Dalhousie Castle for the honeymoon."

All she can do is kiss him, and when they break apart her answer is obvious. "Yes, yes, yes, Rodney, yes!"

It's the spoken words that count. And she will always remember that her life changed on Atlantis. She will look back and hold the memories close, because the memories have shaped her life; changed her life. The Pegasus memories won't go away.

----

_Author's Note: Dalhousie Castle is located in Bonnyrigg, Edinburgh, Scotland. _


	3. Small Things Count for More

**Pegasus Memories, by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: Friendship installment. NO slash/romance. Reference to the pier scene in "The Shrine."**

_Small Things Count for More: John & Rodney_

Rodney picked at the food on his plate, all appetite lost like his memory had been a few weeks ago. This wasn't worse than that episode with the Second Childhood parasite, he had to admit, but in all seriousness the brownies didn't hold any more appeal. John had failed to show up for their scheduled lunch, and he was forced to eat alone well after the rush subsided. He hadn't even seen Jennifer.

The astrophysicist looked up when he heard the echo of footsteps sound in the mess hall; and there he was: Jonathan Sheppard and his gravity-defiant hair walking towards him. Rodney expected John to give him some bull-shit excuse for why he failed to show three hours earlier, but the expression the colonel donned held a far different meaning.

John sat. "I'm sorry." He didn't say anything more, his eyes only locking with Rodney's for a few moments. The look on his face seemed pitiful.

"What? No wildly stupid and idiotic excuse to get you out of this? Just an 'I'm sorry'?" Rodney glared at John then at his food. "I'm not even hungry any more. And you come waltzing in three hours later with nothing to say but two inexcusable words."

"Rodney, please don't start that again." John rubbed a hand across his cheek, and for the first time that day Rodney noticed how gaunt his best friend looked. The shining fork clattered onto the tabletop, and John glanced up to see Rodney's head in his hands.

His voice came muffled. "You know, ever since that six-pack and Jennifer sticking a wireless drill into my skull, I just thought things would be different. Like really different. I didn't used to eat lunch in here, and now when I do..."

"Rodney."

The Canadian lifted his head and saw that John was struggling not to break down in front of him. "John...here I am griping about all the shortcomings...but are you okay? You don't look so good."

"I missed lunch because Woolsey had me trapped in his office with another IOA rep."

Rodney gulped. "That doesn't sound good."

"No... It wasn't. They want us to make more headway with the research on the Ancients... We were told if we don't get another ZPM by the end of the year they'll seriously consider pulling the plug on their funding and support. He threatened to send to the White House requesting a pull-out as if we were in Iran or Kuwait."

All color disappeared from Rodney's face. "And Woolsey?"

John sighed. "Well, after the other guy left he told me he had to try real hard not to throw a right hook and knock the bastard unconscious. But then if he did that we'd be in even bigger trouble, trying to get another person to lead this expedition." His eyes wandered the empty room, landing on the balcony beyond the glass windows. "I really wanted to have lunch, Rodney. It's the small things that count, you know that. It's why I took you out onto the pier and gave you beer."

"And put up with me calling you Arthur?"

John cracked a small grin, an accomplishment for Rodney. "Yeah. Exactly."

"So basically it's we find another ZedPM or we end up going our separate ways and never see each other again?" Before his friend could nod he continued, "That isn't something small, John. That's something huge. Think of all the memories we'll leave behind."

"That's not something I want to talk about, Rodney. Basically we just need to up our game."

"You mean take the ZedPM from the kids on M7G-677. That's not an option, John. You saw what happened the last time we tried that."

"I don't need reminding, and besides, I already ruled that one out for them, loud and clear." John stared at a brownie on Rodney's plate. "You gonna eat that?"

Rodney just shoved the whole plate over and crossed his arms. "We can't go back to Earth. I can't go back to Canada."

John's eyes met his friend's, and he snagged up a brownie. "Jeanne's in Canada, McKay, of course you can go back. Me, on the other hand... I go where the military tells me."

"Home is here, John. Home is where the good memories are." He fell silent, his form curled in on itself to seem smaller. John felt how Rodney looked. "Home is where my friends and family are."

"Jeanne's in Vancouver, not here."

Rodney lifted his gaze. "Do you really expect me to believe you're thick enough to think I don't consider you family? Hell, John, I don't belong on Earth. Teyla and Ronon don't belong on Earth. We're with them now. The small things that happened here are the things that make me want to stay. Going back is unthinkable. Going back...it's unbearable. I can't go back into the private sector."

"They'll send me back to Afghanistan." Neither had to say that meant he could die. It was written across John's eyes.

Rodney felt horrible. "I need a beer."

John stood, ruffling his hair. "Let's go out to the pier tonight."

_Small things count for more._


End file.
